Overcoming Addiction

    The battle you face in your mind to start loving yourself again; and finding hope.

 As someone who has struggled with addiction and mental disorders, I can tell you that the experience is debilitating and overwhelming. Having struggled with addiction and mental health issues personally, I know how challenging and overwhelming it can be to navigate these struggles. Addiction and mental health concerns often go hand in hand, and it's crucial to address both in order to achieve true recovery.

 

For me, addiction was a way to self-medicate and numb the physical pain I suffered; it evolved quite quickly to numb the mental anguish and trauma I was hiding from the world. The pain I was having with my neck and constant migraines made it hard to function. I was a young mother and had just had my second child, and as someone with a family history of generations of addicts, drugs were easy to get and normal to take for similar pains. Percocet and Vicodin were like Tylenol and Ibuprofen in my family. I was unaware of the dangers of opioids or addiction to them. My grandmother had her own personal pharmacy in her medicine cabinet and would pop pills like tic-tacs. As for my mother, she had always used pain killers for as long as I can remember. She would never admit to being addicted if you asked her, but that’s another story for another time. Addiction and mental illness have always been an unspoken secret; like a lingering dark cloud hovering over our household. Then you sprinkle in early childhood trauma, a mentally unstable mother, being in the foster care system, and sexual assault as a youth, followed by the traumatic death of a boyfriend as a young teen; it was a recipe for disaster. I never stood a chance to have any sense of normalcy; it wasn’t in the cards for me. Pain killers quickly became an all-consuming habit that was difficult to overcome.

The shame and guilt that often accompany addiction can feel suffocating, making it hard to see a way out. I struggle with shame and guilt even now. This was the hardest part of getting off and staying off opioids. Unfortunately, I was never blessed with the strongest support system, and I wasn’t fortunate enough to grow up feeling important or loved. I thought the only way to be deserving of love was to be the best and earn it. This is what drove me as a young child to always have perfect attendance and be a top-performing A+ student. I would strive to be the best to try and get some sort of response of pride or love from my mother—to be told that she loved me and was proud of me. It was the only time I felt I was worthy. So being addicted and strung out, there was no way I could admit my shortcomings, so I kept them a secret for years until I couldn’t hide them anymore. The effects of addiction started changing my looks. My secret was out, and I felt even more like a failure and like everyone was judging me from the moment they saw me. As the years have passed and I have been off pain pills, I still struggle the most with my feelings of shame and guilt. I am still learning to love myself. 

Mental health disorders can compound the issue, and in my case, my anxiety and depression were already taking over my life before my addiction set in. My depression would make it hard to want to do anything, and my anxiety would cause me to panic about not getting things done. My symptoms seemed to cause mayhem and chaos in my head. It's important to acknowledge that mental health concerns are just as legitimate as physical health issues and require professional care and attention. Growing up, my stepfather would criticize my mental illnesses and tell me they were "just in my head", and I was "just being lazy" "dramatic" or "faking it". Unfortunately, some people still don’t believe how horrible and life-consuming mental illness can really be. My anxiety and depression were already all-consuming, but addiction made everything worse. Our healthcare system still isn’t where it needs to be for people with mental illness. It is still stigmatized in some parts of our county; however, we have seen many positive changes in the acknowledgment and treatment of mentally ill people. 

 

Seeking help for both addiction and mental health disorders can be daunting, and it's easy to feel weak or like a failure because of these struggles. But admitting that you need help is a sign of strength and the first step towards recovery. It's important to remember that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of courage. It’s easy to fall into the mindset that you're "weak" or "failing" because of these challenges. But the reality is that there is strength in admitting you need help and taking steps toward recovery. No one is immune to addiction and mental health disorders, and the stigma attached to these issues only makes it that much harder to seek the help you need. But achieving recovery is possible, and there is hope. It starts with taking that first step toward healing.

Recovery is a challenging process, but it's a worthwhile one. It requires vulnerability, honesty, and the willingness to seek support. Although professional treatment and support groups provide valuable tools, real work comes from within. It takes a determined effort to break the cycle of addiction. The key to recovery is approaching it with kindness and understanding. You are not defined by your addiction or mental health disorder. You are worthy of love, and with the right guidance and support, you can learn to overcome these challenges and live a fulfilling and meaningful life. It's essential to remember that seeking help is a courageous act, not a sign of weakness. Addiction and mental health disorders can impact anyone, and the stigma surrounding these struggles only makes it harder to obtain the assistance you need. However, recovery is possible, and there is always hope. It all begins with taking that first step.

 step towards healing. After that first step, take the next, one step at a time.